She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
