watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
