she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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