Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
