Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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