Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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