i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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