If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
