You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
