I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize