i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
