Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
