the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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