My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
