masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
