I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
