I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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