I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
