your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
