there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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