Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
