i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
