I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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