I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
