I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
