I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
