Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
