god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
