she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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