the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
