i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
