possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
