foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
