Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I will be naked everywhere
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
