i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Can I color on your dick again?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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