That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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