Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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