the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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