So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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