dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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