dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pants are for mortals
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
