i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
