the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
