Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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