WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
