I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
