There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
