I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
