I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
