I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Green mimosas i think yes
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
