Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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