He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just had sex on a roof
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
